god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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