New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
