I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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