Don't make out with my wife yet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
