Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
