Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
