I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
