apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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