i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
