Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
