if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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