He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
