my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
