That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you told grandpa to call you daddy
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
