We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
