He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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