i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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