I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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