i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
