The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
