please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
