just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
