oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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