I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Even my vagina gasped.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
