after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
