1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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