Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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