I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
