Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
