I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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