I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
