I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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