I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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