Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
