Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
