i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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