and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We are all done wearing pants today
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
