They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
