Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
