what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
