Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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