you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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