my phone needs a breathalizer
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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