Your tits are I can't wait for
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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