New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
