he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
