I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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