ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
