I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
