My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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