I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
